July 14, 2007-Binge Eating

Week 1 Day 3
Weight: 186.5
Lost: 4.5
This morning I weighed in at 186.5 which gives me a total loss of 4.5 pounds in two days! It’s most likely water and other substances and not so much fat but hey, that’s lost mass and that still makes me happy! I was supposed to shadow my local optometrist at 9 AM this morning and I woke up late so I was rushing out and didn’t have much of a breakfast, but I also had no appetite. This meant that taking all of my pills was delayed until lunch when I got back. I made myself an egg white omelet and had half a hamburger patty that all equaled around 400 calories that I took with a water pill, the prescription, the energy pill, and the craving control pill. I’m happy that I feel like I can eat again and I’m going to try to make it a priority not to eat under 1000 calories today.

Although I’ve only don’t the program for two full days my attitude about food is completely different. My problems with weight were always due to my struggle with food. I’m relatively an active person, I’m not a workout freak but I go to the gym a couple times a week and I’ve had a gym membership since high school. There were lots of times when I wasn’t consistent about going regularly but still I workout more than the average person and if I was putting on pounds it was because of the food. I’m an emotional eater as well as a binge eater; food was always the easy escape out of problems and I can safely say that my life is full of stress. I take on too many tasks at once (this is something else I’m hoping will change with a positive self-image). There are many days when food is really my biggest enjoyment of the day. I can’t remember when it was that I started binging at night but it was just the perfect escape from the problem or task at hand. Afterwards it was the worst feeling ever and I would keep telling myself that tomorrow I’m going to change or whatever but when I come home to my lonely apartment after a bad day the urge was just something I couldn’t control, it was like an addiction and I took comfort in knowing that there’s always tomorrow. This past year when I was doing my masters it was the worst. My program was relatively intense I was taking around 5 graduate classes each semester, I was tutoring Arabic, and I was also working part-time. There were many days when I’d leave early around 7 AM and not get home until 11 PM with a long list of things I needed to do, quizzes to study for, assignments to complete-and I just took comfort in food and the binging became more regular. During the year I went on a couple of diets in an attempt to change but they didn’t last and in the 9 months that I was in school this past year I gained around 35 pounds! I was at an all all-time low in morale, I felt ugly and when I was not at work I was pretty much always wearing the same couple of pairs sweatpants and always had a sweatshirt tied around my waist to cover my huge ass (I still do that actually). I lost the desire for girly things such as shopping, manicures and pedicures, accessories, makeup-I just didn’t care! I also started dreading going to big social functions that are so prominent in the arab community like parties and weddings. I’m usually big on fashion and being trendy and have a positive image in the community and I just didn’t want people to see me looking like this. My mom started telling people that my weight gain was due to a medication I was taking and was only temporary. Because of my low morale I really missed out on a lot this year, it was like part of me stopped living.

The past couple of days on the pill there were definately times that I was feeling that eating is something I have to do and not something I like to do. I just have no appetite and get no cravings, it’s really weird! At dinner after I realized that I still consumed under 900 calories that day I made myself eat a peach and string cheese to bring my total calories to 980 so that I don’t feel like I’m losing weight unhealthily or that I’m slowing down my metabolism. My mom thinks it’s just wonderful, she told me to tell the doctor at my next appointment that I’m taking the whole pill instead of half like I am now so that he can prescribe me more to give her some. By bringing down the appetite and cravings the pill is just making it easier when it comes to control and discipline.

I’ve picked up a really awesome habit which is I replaced my entire liquid intake with water (except of course for coffee). In three days I haven’t had any diet sodas, carbonated drinks, any sugar free drinks that are filled with artificial flavorings and sweeteners, it’s just water! It’s also really the only way of ensuring that I get that 6-8 glasses a day.

So it’s the end of the third day and I have recorded in my diary 980 calories, 44 grams of fat (lots of protein), and 47 grams of carbs (half of it from the frozen yogurt I had). I’m optimistic about the future and I’ve already starting flipping through the pages of the fashion magazines I subscribe to that lately just pile up on my desk! As always, I love to hear from you!