Monday, July 30, 2007

July 29, 2007 I Feel Like #$^*&%*$ *&$(F$$


As I'm writing this it's past 1 AM on a sunday night, tomorrow I must turn in my completed 20-30 page research review paper and I have 6 pages to go. I'm sitting on top of a bed of scientific journal research articles drinking a 12th cup of coffee that I managed to spill all over my white pants and I can feel the intense arrythmia set in. Approximately ten minutes ago I realized my paper is missing some essential tables and figures.

Oh, and did I mention I have jury duty at 9AM???

P.S. I would appreciate all words of support in this time of great need!

Friday, July 27, 2007

July 26, 2007 stress as a food trigger

July 26, 2007
week 3 day 2
From the time I woke up to around midnight I had an awesome day! I actually went to the gym today and did 30 minutes of cardio thanks to my new gym buddy friend Janie who called and said “what are you doing? Wanna go to the gym?” I was like “uuuhhhhh, well, I have a whole 2 hours until I need to be at my interview and it’s not like I’m seriously working on the paper, fine!”

I had breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner-all healthy and all included protein. I really wanted lunch to be my biggest meal so I served myself small portions of a variety of things and got pretty full actually. Dinner was just turkey bacon and almonds. I went to work at my paper at CC’s coffee house and I let myself have half of a mochassippi (only 110 calories). The day was relatively low stress. I took a one and a half hour nap sometime between lunch and dinner.

I realized a general connection between why I have good days and bad days in terms of diet and exercise, stress, and how productive I am and that is that on my good days I don’t have to go to work and on my bad days I have to work, I think my job is really bringing me down. I’ve had lots of jobs before, I worked all throughout college and during most of my summers. I was a telemarketer, I did scientific research in a lab, worked in front of computers, teaching, tutoring, etc. This job is my first retail job and I thought it would be fun plus I get a good discount at a high-end store, but I’ve never come to dread going to work as much as I do this job. Although I only work 4 to 6 hour shifts when I go to work I feel like I was at work all day long because getting ready to go to work is a process, full makeup and accessories, trendy outfit, and since I spend my entire shift on my feet in high heels and sometimes it literally feels like I’m jogging when I get home I’m tired, really tired, too tired to do something productive like start studying for my optometry exam (called OAT).

The pay is commission based but lately I’ve been making only close to the base pay because I lost a lot of the enthusiasm and drive that I had when I started, I don’t really care for going out of my way to find things for people or push people to take advantage of our latest promotions like the $98 sexy trench coat or the $69 hobo satin bag (it’s ugly). I really feel unappreciated especially by this one manager who seems to be the one I have to work with the most. She’s a control freak and I don’t jive well with personalities like that, I feel like control freaks have insecurity issues so they try to control people around them to compensate. She points out my weaknesses in sales and she’ll repeat things to me slowly like I’m stupid or something. Also, the dumbest things will bother her. I consider quitting all the time but I don’t have another job lined up and I do need some sort of income no matter how small so I can at least make my credit card payments (my parents help out but I can’t always depend on them to).

At the beginning I said to around midnight I had an awesome day, so what happened after midnight? Well, stress set in! I was doing research for my paper and realized that I only have a couple of days to get it done and I just started getting all panicky. I’m remembering now that Shiela the nutritionist that stress is a food trigger for me. Anyway, I stared out just letting myself have a piece of cheese, then I though it was too dry and let myself half a piece of whole wheat bread. Then I put a little bit of rice and soup in the microwave. When I finished that I thought, what the hell the damage is already done so I let myself have more rice and soup, and all after midnight. This definitely wasn’t a binge or anything but its really too late to be eating, not to mention all that white rice I had It’s around 1 AM and I’m actually feeling sick, I can’t even think of any motivational or uplifting statements to tell myself at the moment as to why I’m not going to do this again.

My final number for the day are 931 calories, 27 grams of fat, and 107 grams of carbs (the rice and the mochassippi was over half of that)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

July 25, 2007 11 pounds in 2 weeks!

Week 3 Day 1
I went for my second evaluation today, and I lost 2 pounds this week, which brings my total loss to 11 pounds in 2 weeks, not bad! 2 pounds was under my goal this week of 4 pounds, but I had a feeling it was going to be like that considering how many times I ate late and all of those dinner parties. Also, this morning I woke up bloated so I’m definitely retaining water weight, probably from all of the carbs I had yesterday.

Shiela, the nutritionist/counselor that saw me today , said I was doing great and since I recognize where my mistakes were to do better this week, and I’m determined to do so!

I’m under a great amount of stress from worrying that I’m not going to be able to finish my research paper because of time constraints. Today I even cried on the way to work because I felt like I don’t have time to be going to work but I can’t just not show up for work, so I went to work and just cried on the way. I hate work lately, I feel like it gets in the way of other more important things in my life (such as the research paper, and working on applications for optometry schools) and I’m not getting too much out of work other than a skimpy paycheck and the 40% discount which I don’t take advantage of too much since I can’t fit in a lot of the clothes we sell. I convinced myself to keep the job so that when I get interviews to the schools I can use my discount to buy the cute and trendy overpriced suits we sell.

I’ve been going to a lot of job interviews lately at different optical places and so far nothing’s positive has come out of that, it’s all very poor pay and less than desirable environments. I’m 23 I have experience and just about have a masters degree, I want a job where my opinion and personal judgment actually matter, in other words I want a job where I have some autonomy and not a place where I get reprimanded for not using the proper greeting when answering the phone. Tomorrow I have an interview to work in an actual optical lab (making glasses and whatever), so I’m expecting the pay to be better and I hope it goes well. If not, I’m going to have to look into some research and teaching positions because at least it’s more my type of environment and not to mention the pay is going to be way better.

In terms of my diet, today was a positive day! I had some shrimp spring rolls from whole foods for lunch, and for dinner I had chicken salad and some soup (early this time!). One bad thing I did is took a couple of bites of chicken that my cooked at night when I got back from work, but it was still a small amount. My total today amounts to 630 calories, 23.5 grams of fat, and 18.5 grams of carbs!

July 24, 2007 Lindsay Lohan ruined my morning

Week 2 Day 6
It’s the day before my second evaluation and I’m feeling a bit nervous! I’m afraid that I’m going to be disappointed, I don’t feel like I had a great week like I felt last week. I went to bed at 3 AM and woke up at 6 AM working on that damn research paper and feel like I didn’t get very much done! In the morning I was so tired that I got easily distracted from research and found myself following the Lindsay lohan drama on perez hilton’s site, damn her. Today, I met with a friend, had a job interview, and then went to work. Since I had a hectic day lunch ended up just being a handful of almonds (but it’s better than skipping lunch!) and thus I ended up having a heavier dinner.

Also, I’m really noticing the comeback of urges and cravings that were absent the first week. When I finished the dinner plate I portioned out for myself I wanted more food and let myself have another serving of toubilah salad which is healthy but does have olive oil and thus added a good bit of cals and fat. This could be due to the stress I’m under like I mentioned in the last post, it could also possibly be due to me having a snack in place of lunch. I should really try to avoid setting myself up for failures and making sure that I do have a protein breakfast and that I eat a real lunch. If I still find it tough to urge the cravings I’m going to bring it up to Cecilia, maybe I need a different prescription or supplement.

The good news is that today I only had 910 calories (34 fat, 81 grams of carbs-I had a hot tamale and ground wheat), the bad news is about ¾ of it was from dinner. Wish me luck tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

July 23, 2007 Stressed Out

Week 2 Day 6
July 23, 2007

I slept early last night and didn’t get to publish my post, so I’m doing it this morning. If I started classifying my days as negative or positive, yesterday would be a negative. I skipped breakfast (always a bad start), but had a good lunch (salad with turkey). I got home kind of late, around 7:30 and was starving so it was hard to resist whatever my mom cooked since I didn’t make anything beforehand. I ended up eating a little too much rice with beef and peas. Later on my mom left part of her Cadbury fruit and nut chocolate bar on the table so I decided it’s ok to have some with my coffee. I portioned myself half of a serving of the chocolate which is relatively harmless (100 cals, 5 g of fat, and 12 grams of carbs), but I ate swallowed it down fast and wanted more. I’m worried that I felt that way, the absence of the desire to want more has been a lot of why I’m been so successful on this program so far and feeling that way reminded me of my failed diet days. Anyway, I thought what the hell I had a long day and let myself half another half serving of chocolate-and then about half an hour later I served myself more rice and beef although I did have a fiber pill before dinner. Oh, and did I mention it was around 10PM!!!

I went to bed early and this morning I woke up not feeling so great and being bloated. I believe I can pinpoint why I had rather low will power and self-control yesterday, I’m in a great amount of stress right now. I have less than a week to turn in a 30 page research paper (I have a little more than half completed) in order to complete my masters and I just can’t seem to find ample time to put aside to just sit and focus on completing the paper. On most days I can’t wake up early enough to work on it in the morning and by the time I get home from working or doctor shadowing (I do one or the other and sometimes both everyday) I’m just too tired and out of energy.

Another issue that’s causing me stress right now is the job search. This is my first year and only year in a while that I’ll be available to work full time and since I just about have a masters I believe I should get a good job, I mean at least something better than 8.50 which is what all these optometry offices are offering me. There’s not that much opportunity in my field here in baton rouge but the best one is to get a teaching position at the local community college. The first part of their application is sending them my academic transcripts, and right now mine is on hold because of some loan issues, so I spent around 2 hours on the phone yesterday making various phone calls and being placed on hold and in the end I got NOTHING resolved!

Thankfully this morning I woke up early so I’m going to try to make the most of the few hours that I have before I need to go to a job interview. Oh, and my total for 7/23 was about 900 calories, 40 grams of fat, and 86 grams of carbs 75% of which was consumed after 7:30 PM. Hopefully today will be different!

ALSO.....Tomorrow is my second evaluation I'm kind of nervous because I'm not sure if it'll be good. I don't think I lost the four pounds that I aimed to but wish me luck!

Monday, July 23, 2007

July 22, 2007 Will I reach my weekly goal?

July 22, 2007

My mom hosted a potluck dinner party today so I spent the early part running around town doing errands. I had a quick slice of organic deli chicken for breakfast and the same for lunch. At the mall I picked up a low fat mochassippi (the local version of frappuccino but healthier) and drank half of it. We ended up not having dinner until like 9:30 PM and I was the last to serve myself so there wasn’t very much left. I had a few bites of fried pita bread, a couple of grape leaves, and some hummous and baba ghanouj. Someone bought a fruit tart from whole foods which is probably like my favorite desert ever, I cut myself a small piece, but then I served myself another. I would have been better to not have eaten this late but whatever I can’t dwell on it now.

Unfortunately the calorie king website is down so I’m not sure how many calories I had but my estimate is around the 800 range. My evaluation is on Wednesday and although I’m confident I lost some weight I don’t think I’ll be as successful as I could have been with all these dinner and lunch parties I went to this week, not to mention I have yet to go to the gym this week. My goal was to have dropped 4 pounds which is very reasonable considering it’s early in my weight loss. I have two whole days until Wednesday and I should be able to get another pound in-I just need to get focused!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

July 21, 2007 Setback at Dinner Party and JEANS

July 21, 2007
DAMN! Today I ate pretty bad, definitely the worst day since starting the program. My mom cooked couscous (wheat) which is like my favorite food, so I had it for breakfast and I guess my first big mistake is having all those carbs for breakfast. Then I went to shadow an optometrist for three hours and right after I had to rush to work for a four hour shift, my schedule was too hectic for me to think about eating something although I did have almonds and string cheese in my bag, so that was the second mistake I made. When I get off my shift not only was I tired, exhausted, and in a pretty bad mood like I usually am when I get off of work but I was also hungry and I didn’t have my fiber pills with me to try to control that. Guess where I was going after work? A dinner party!!!!!

When I got there the ONLY healthy thing being served was salad and shrimp and it had lemon juice in it which I don’t really care for. I still ate the salad, I had small portions of everything but it was all unhealthy food and it added up to lots of cals, fat, and especially carbs! I put a good serving of salad and shrimp and a little bit of fettuccini alfredo, small piece of friend fish, one egg roll, a little bit of rice, and half of a texas toast (this was basically what I did at the last lunch party I went to but the difference there was that there was more healthy than non healthy options). My friend made a comment that I was putting too little food on my plate, my reply was that I want to try everything first in case I didn’t like it (I don’t like telling people I’m on a diet plus I find that people get annoyed anyway). I didn’t finish my plate, so in terms of the amount I ate considering I was at a dinner party I did good but still all that junk stuff added up and at the end of the day after estimating how much of everything I ate I had 1400 calories, 35 grams of fat, and 130 grams of carbs!!! Definitely the most since starting the program and the first time I went over the recommended 1200 calories. So I would say the third mistake is that not bringing my fiber pills, the fourth mistake is that I should have realized I could have done without a couple of those options such as the piece of fried fish, I don’t even like fried fish! Also I could have done without the half a texas toast, it was one of those frozen food things and just not as appetizing as the other stuff, the exclusion of those 2 would have brought me under 1200. I recognized 4 mistakes about today and hopefully I’ll remember to not repeat them. Oh, and I did skip desert, and absolutely everyone there ate desert so I’m proud of myself!

I do have good news! Guess what I wore to work today? JEANS!!! I got self-conscious this morning getting dressed and I thought I don’t want my coworkers to know that I wear the same 2 dress pants every time so I decided to try my jeans which a week and a half ago I had to lie down just to pull the jeans up most of my butt, zipping and buttoning wasn’t even an option I just made sure I was wearing a long shirt. Today they fi,t zipped, and buttoned. They were tight but this is still a huge accomplishment in a week and a half., I just can’t believe how fast I’m getting smaller, that was just a week and a half ago!!!

I just remembered, at the dinner party a friend commented that I looked like I lost “a lot of weight.” I was happy to hear that although my mom says she doesn’t notice a difference but she’s a pessimist anyway.

Friday, July 20, 2007

July 20, 2007 I Got the Blues

Week 2 Day 2
I really need to work on bringing up my energy level, I don’t like to do too many things in one day although I always have so much on my list of things to do. I woke up at 5AM in an attempt to finish my research paper, of course I didn’t finish it by the time I got ready to go shadow my doctor but I still emailed what I have to my advisor and promised it’d be finished by the end of the month (crunch time!). I got back from the doctor’s at around 1:30 and I was just BEAT. All I wanted to do was watch TV and/or read a book. I don’t feel like going to the gym, or making a needed errand trip to the bank, or following up on my job applications, or working on my paper, or try to do something about the mountain of clothes on my bed. It’s like I can’t do more than 2 or 3 significant things in the day although I have so many commitments. It’s now 7 and since I got home I barely got off of the couch. I swear if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m losing weight and eating healthy I’d be depressed right now. I’m not sure if it’s even about energy or why I get like this.

Cecille at body image suggested I should really try to get 4 workouts in the week. Last week I only worked out twice and they were pretty moderate workouts, I haven’t gone to the gym yet this week and I know I won’t be able to go tomorrow or Sunday because my schedule is packed on both days and if I can spare time it should be for finishing my paper which is causing me a great deal of stress and panic.

Just like yesterday, today for lunch I had chicken salad and ravioli but about a third of the portions of yesterday, literally it was a couple of raviolis (big ones) and like 5 bites of chicken salad- and I added a peach. I was soooooo full but my lunch was still about 400 calories. I’ve already had six cups of coffee and I feel my heart beating a bit fast and my hands are shaky, so that will be the last of the coffee for the day.

I didn’t have much of a dinner, just some deli chicken slices and my total today is 678 calories, 19 grams of fat, and 28 grams of carbs!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

July 19, 2007 My New Adidas!

Week 2 Day 1

About a week ago, right before I started the program I bought these adidas pants on clearance at lady foot locker that I thought looked cute, I got them in a medium because that was the largest size they had and they were really cheap. When I went home I just couldn’t get the pants past my thighs. Today, I wore those pants out!!!! I have to admit they were tight and I wore a longer sweatshirt to hide my butt but STILL, they fit! I haven’t actually put on any jeans yet. I almost stopped wearing jeans because I find them so uncomfortable and I just refused to buy them in my size with the hopes that I’ll be losing weight. The two jeans that I own and until recently worn are both size 12 and they’re just extremely tight and one of them I can’t get to button, I don’ t know even know what my size is. The past few months I’ve basically been wearing sweatpants, dress pants, and skirts so it’s comforting to know I’m dropping in size!

Today my academic advisor emailed me over a final review paper that I was supposed to turn in months ago to complete my masters degree. It was literally a two-line email and said something like “I’m assuming you’re just about done with your paper”. I sensed his underlying tone of being annoyed which put me in panic mode. I plan on staying up as late as possible to finish that paper even if it’s all night, although I hope I won’t have to do that I’m supposed to be doing some doctor shadowing at 9AM. So that’s another thing I really need to work on in life, time management, focus, and panic control. Hopefully that self-discipline that I’m picking up with this program will help with other aspects of life.

As for my diet today, I had both chicken salad and leftover ravioli for lunch which resulted in a rather high calorie day when compared to my other days on the program, but that’s good, I’m happy; I felt like I was eating too little the other days anyway and was worried about getting my body used to that. At the end of the day I had 1073 calories, 65 grams of fat, and 62.5 grams of carbs.

Update: I got hungry at around 10:30 and I was also really stressed out trying to finish my paper, so I didn't resist and let myself have two slices of low fat deli meat, it's only 50 cals so I'm not worried.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

July 18, 2007 I LOST 9 LBS IN 1 WEEK

Week 1 Day 7

I went down to Body Image this morning for my first evaluation appointment (I have to admit, I did skip breakfast that day), I met a new nice lady who weighed me in, there was a couple of seconds there where she was making sure she was reading the scale right and kept looking at my chart and then announced “Yup, 9 pounds!” From 190 to 181 in 7 days!! Everyone in the office was really proud of me and the physician said that I had an “exceptional week”
9 Pounds in a week is just unbelievable, I mean literally if someone told me they lost 9 pounds in a week I wouldn’t believe them especially as a diet veteran, I never experienced results like this. The closest thing to fast results was on the south beach diet when I lost 7 pounds in the first two weeks. I even had Mcdonald’s fries, ate at PF changs, and went to a lunch party during the week! I called my mom on the way home and told her and her response was “liar....”. I texted my two friends that I chose to tell about the diet my results and she responded back “that’s great but don’t you feel really hungry,” LOOOL, it cracked me up that she’s under the impression that I’m starving myself.
Cecille, the program founder and nutritionist reviewed my diary and suggested I make small but more healthy choices such as replacing my coffee mate (which I thought was totally healthy since it barely has cals and carbs) with soy creamer and try to eat less beef and more turkey and chicken. She also gave me a meal plan and some recipes and I decided to actually cook a real meal today. I got my ingredients from whole foods for the raviolo recipe in my little packet and I’m not kidding that was probably the best ravioli I had in my life!

At the end of today I consumed 859 calories, 43.5 g of fat, and 56.5 grams of carbs the overwhelming majority of that being from my amazing ravioli lunch!

July 17, 2007 Discrimination SUCKS

Week 1 Day 6
Tomorrow at 11AM is going to be my official first weigh-in and assessment since starting the program. I didn’t weigh myself this morning but I want to make sure tomorrow goes good so I’m going to lay off the carbs and the sodium today and I’ll make sure to get a cardio workout in this evening or in the morning. I want to be their star client!!! That’s my overachiever attitude coming in so it’s probably a good thing that I chose a program where you have to answer to a whole bunch of people, I hate to disappoint!

I need to institute a rewards program. When I reach the 20 lb mark I’m going to get myself something I’ve been wanting for a year now, a Fendi bag!!! I don’t have that many purses and the few that I have are designer, I’d rather buy few more expensive purses that I absolutely love than have a whole bunch of cheap purses that match my outfits. I’ll get it off ebay so that it’s only half of the price and plus I’m already saving so much money by cutting out all of the drive-thrus and the lattes, smoothies, and frozen drinks that are all part of my normal daily routine. The only thing edible I’ve purchased since starting the progam (other than lunch at PF changes) is cheap coffee like once a day, I once bought a small salad and I may have paid for a water bottle or two which is a huge comedown from the regular 10-20 dollars that I usually spend a day on food and drinks. So that Fendi purse won’t be a big setback for me.

I had a bad day which sucks because it’s one of the few days that I don’t have to work or shadow doctors and some bitch ruined it!!! I’ve been applying around to work at many optical centers to get experience in the field since I plan on attending optometry school next year. I got offered a job but I’m not happy with the pay so I’m still looking. There’s this one brand new eye clinic that just opened up in a ritzy shopping center that I would love to work in. I called today to ask if they received my resume and cover letter that I faxed last week and the girl that answered couldn’t seem to find it. I asked her if they’re still hiring and her response was “yes, we’re always hiring!” I decided I was going to take my stuff there in person to the manager so that I know they’re received. I walked in and asked for the manager and as soon as she saw she kind of tilted her head back like I startled her. I introduced myself and handed her my papers and gave her a little introduction she just kept nodding her head, then I said “you guys are hiring right?” and her response was that they weren’t but maybe in a few months!!!!! She discriminated against me because I’m Muslim and I wear a headscarf, that’s the only explanation for what happened. I’m pretty good at speaking out and confronting people but I thought she might just read my resume and get impressed and know she’s wrong and give me a call back-I didn’t want to say anything and ruin my chances but that totally ruined my day!!!!!!
I don’t feel bad that she judged me because I don’t need her to think highly of me-she’s probably around 45 and the highlight of her life is managing an optometrist’s office and I know I have a bright future ahead of me so it’s not about her she’s insignificant but I feel bad because people’s prejudices and discrimination get in the way of what I’m trying to pursue. I’m trying to use all that anger energy and channel it into motivation energy to make this bodymakeover thing work once and for all!!!! Afterwards I went to the mall with the intention of returning a 20 dollar shirt and ending up buying $165 worth of stuff paid for in cash which meant I had to put off making payments on my store credit cards, I really need to work on my spending.

I skipped breakfast, and had a small frozen yogurt for dinner at 9:30 (way after the time I should stop eating). All in all I consumed 540 calories, 17 grams of fat, and 45 grams of carbs. To be honest right now I’m actually hungry for a change but I’m excited about my weigh-in tomorrow!

July 16, 2007 Lunch party success!!!

Week 1 Day 5
Weight: 183.5
Lost: 7.5
I broke my rule about not weighing myself every morning. I couldn’t resist the scale I just had to know if the lunch at PF Changs caused any harm and to my surprise I dropped another pound which means I lost 7 pounds in 4 days!!!!!

I did great at the lunch party that I was so nervous about! I made sure to take the fiber pill before eating and had two glasses of water and my friend definitely hosted a banquet!! She laid out salmon filet, pot roast, two different kinds of rice, gourmet salad, and some fancy pizza-looking thing. I decided that whatever I put on my plate was what I was going to eat and no more. I put a normal serving of the healthy stuff: salmon and the salad (with olive oil) and then I just put a little bit, I mean literally like a couple of bites of everything else so that I was more than satisfied. If I could learn to just eat like that every time I ate at a party or dinner that would be a major accomplishment! After a couple of hours I had some strawberry and kiwi. So in total the meal was around 650 calories and 38 grams of fat (olive oil and pot roast). I had to work a closing shift so I just skipped dinner; what was really weird is that I didn’t even feel hungry until I got home at 11PM so I just popped a fiber pill and drank water. At the end of the day I only ate around 800 calories and I went to a lunch party!!!

July 15, 2007 Lunch at P.F. Chang's

Week 1 Day 4
Weight: 184.5
Lost: 6
WOW, 6 pounds after 3 days!!! This morning I woke up feeling bloated which is probably the water replacing the lost fat. One of the side effects that the doctor warned me about is insomnia, and it’s actually been quite the opposite for me. Eating less and healthier food has been making me fall asleep faster so I’m already experiencing some of the benefits of being healthy!! However, a side effect that I am experiencing from the medicine is constipation, mot major constipation, but I just don’t go to the bathroom as easy as I normally do which I can probably overcome by eating spinach salad everyday. I plan on going grocery shopping once the clinic gives me the customized meal plan I’m supposed to get this Wednesday when I go for the official weigh-in and assessment. Right now I’ve just been making due with whatever low cal things and lean protein my family carries in the fridge (which is why I’ve been eating mainly protein). Speaking of which, I decided that after today I’m not going to weigh myself every morning. I know that there’s probably going to be good days and some bad days and I don’t want to become so obsessed with the numbers. The only weighing that’ll be done will be the weekly one at the center and I’ll let you guys know of the results.

Last night I left work early because we were slow and on the way home I got depressed. Maybe because it was Saturday evening and I had no plans but I also didn’t feel like calling anyone to see what’s going on. Being fat has resulted in me not wanting to go out and see people as much. At that moment I would normally be pulling in the drive-thru of mcdonalds but I just knew I couldn’t sabotage myself and plus I really didn’t feel like eating that much it was moreso about following a familiar pattern because it gave me comfort. So I compromised and went to a frozen yogurt place that serves the best fresh and sour frozen yogurt I ever had in my life, the small size only has 150 calories and it brought a smile to my face. I could have one of those everyday and still be healthy and lose weight as long as I’m not eating too many other carbs since it does have around 20g of carbs, but that’s also 75 dollars a month and I really need to control my spending.

Today I experienced the biggest challenge since starting the program: I had lunch at P.F. Changs with a friend who doesn’t know about my program. I didn’t have a big appetite or cravings, but I just know how good the food tastes. After studying the calorie counter handbook for like 30 minutes I decided on the healthier kung pao chicken (they have a healthier one that’s cooked with chicken stock and not oil they just don’t list it on the main menu). We ordered vegetarian lettuce wraps which are relatively low in calories. I portioned out half of the kung pao chicken, had a few spoons of brown rice and a couple of bites of my friends more unhealthy entrée. What I ate for lunch is probably equal to what I ate each entire day the past three days but it’s definitely less than what I would usually have eaten out. Using their nutrition guide I estimated that entire meal to be around 785 calories, 29.5 grams of fat, and 72 grams ofcarbs but I still feel like I did good because on a regular day I would have ordered a more unhealthy appetizer and entrée, probably eaten the entire if not most of the entrée, and split a desert. I brought the leftovers home but I think God’s watching over me today because my mom ate them so I had no choice but to have a small healthy dinner (just a turkey bacon, that’s all I felt like eating). I didn’t have much of a breakfast or dinner so my grand total today is 885 calories, 32.5, and 74 grams of carbs. I do realize that because of the high amount of sodium and carbs I had there will probably be a small setback in the weight loss. I’ll make sure I get more of an intense workout tomorrow morning, I also took an extra water pill!

Tomorrow a friend of mine is having a big lunch at her house and I’m getting a little anxious thinking about it. In my past experience with dieting it’s always those large social gatherings with food that cause me to sabotage myself. I’ve always found it really hard to just ‘make healthier choices’ and portion control because I’m such an all or nothing person. If I couldn’t stick to just the salad and grilled chicken than I might as well just eat everything + seconds and worry about it tomorrow. This is why I feel like I did good with lunch at P.F. changs, just because I didn’t order the steamed vegetables it doesn’t mean that I might as well get desert and that’s IMPROVEMENT!!! I think the fact that I was only with one other person helped, there’s just something about the big gatherings that make we wanna have a feast and I don’t know of those pills are gonna change that, I’ll let you know tomorrow!

July 14, 2007-Binge Eating

Week 1 Day 3
Weight: 186.5
Lost: 4.5
This morning I weighed in at 186.5 which gives me a total loss of 4.5 pounds in two days! It’s most likely water and other substances and not so much fat but hey, that’s lost mass and that still makes me happy! I was supposed to shadow my local optometrist at 9 AM this morning and I woke up late so I was rushing out and didn’t have much of a breakfast, but I also had no appetite. This meant that taking all of my pills was delayed until lunch when I got back. I made myself an egg white omelet and had half a hamburger patty that all equaled around 400 calories that I took with a water pill, the prescription, the energy pill, and the craving control pill. I’m happy that I feel like I can eat again and I’m going to try to make it a priority not to eat under 1000 calories today.

Although I’ve only don’t the program for two full days my attitude about food is completely different. My problems with weight were always due to my struggle with food. I’m relatively an active person, I’m not a workout freak but I go to the gym a couple times a week and I’ve had a gym membership since high school. There were lots of times when I wasn’t consistent about going regularly but still I workout more than the average person and if I was putting on pounds it was because of the food. I’m an emotional eater as well as a binge eater; food was always the easy escape out of problems and I can safely say that my life is full of stress. I take on too many tasks at once (this is something else I’m hoping will change with a positive self-image). There are many days when food is really my biggest enjoyment of the day. I can’t remember when it was that I started binging at night but it was just the perfect escape from the problem or task at hand. Afterwards it was the worst feeling ever and I would keep telling myself that tomorrow I’m going to change or whatever but when I come home to my lonely apartment after a bad day the urge was just something I couldn’t control, it was like an addiction and I took comfort in knowing that there’s always tomorrow. This past year when I was doing my masters it was the worst. My program was relatively intense I was taking around 5 graduate classes each semester, I was tutoring Arabic, and I was also working part-time. There were many days when I’d leave early around 7 AM and not get home until 11 PM with a long list of things I needed to do, quizzes to study for, assignments to complete-and I just took comfort in food and the binging became more regular. During the year I went on a couple of diets in an attempt to change but they didn’t last and in the 9 months that I was in school this past year I gained around 35 pounds! I was at an all all-time low in morale, I felt ugly and when I was not at work I was pretty much always wearing the same couple of pairs sweatpants and always had a sweatshirt tied around my waist to cover my huge ass (I still do that actually). I lost the desire for girly things such as shopping, manicures and pedicures, accessories, makeup-I just didn’t care! I also started dreading going to big social functions that are so prominent in the arab community like parties and weddings. I’m usually big on fashion and being trendy and have a positive image in the community and I just didn’t want people to see me looking like this. My mom started telling people that my weight gain was due to a medication I was taking and was only temporary. Because of my low morale I really missed out on a lot this year, it was like part of me stopped living.

The past couple of days on the pill there were definately times that I was feeling that eating is something I have to do and not something I like to do. I just have no appetite and get no cravings, it’s really weird! At dinner after I realized that I still consumed under 900 calories that day I made myself eat a peach and string cheese to bring my total calories to 980 so that I don’t feel like I’m losing weight unhealthily or that I’m slowing down my metabolism. My mom thinks it’s just wonderful, she told me to tell the doctor at my next appointment that I’m taking the whole pill instead of half like I am now so that he can prescribe me more to give her some. By bringing down the appetite and cravings the pill is just making it easier when it comes to control and discipline.

I’ve picked up a really awesome habit which is I replaced my entire liquid intake with water (except of course for coffee). In three days I haven’t had any diet sodas, carbonated drinks, any sugar free drinks that are filled with artificial flavorings and sweeteners, it’s just water! It’s also really the only way of ensuring that I get that 6-8 glasses a day.

So it’s the end of the third day and I have recorded in my diary 980 calories, 44 grams of fat (lots of protein), and 47 grams of carbs (half of it from the frozen yogurt I had). I’m optimistic about the future and I’ve already starting flipping through the pages of the fashion magazines I subscribe to that lately just pile up on my desk! As always, I love to hear from you!

July 13, 2007 Start With Me

Week 1 Day 2
Weight: 189
Lost: 2
I posted the blog last night and this morning I’m happy to see that the page has been visited 26 times! I’ve decided to try to stay anonymous with this blog and signing up with the clinic, only 2 of my friends and my mom know that I’m doing this. I can’t really explain the reason but right now I just don’t feel comfortable telling people that I’m doing this. I think that a lot of my friends that never had more than 15 pounds to lose just won’t understand my struggle and I guess I fear being judged. I don’t know if people will be supportive, so by letting them know of my struggle before results I feel almost like I’m giving them a power over me. Maybe this thinking is all part of my negative self image, any thoughts?

If you’re reading this blog and need to lose weight but haven’t started a plan yet PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE START NOW! I’m still at the beginning of my journey (day 2) so just think of it that we’re doing this together and I’m sure that reading about my progress everyday will be a constant source of motivation and encouragement. I’m not endorsing one particular plan over the other, how you decide to do it is up to you and I’m no expert, all I’m endorsing is a commitment to lose weight and be healthy. If you’re interested in the medical weight loss that I’m doing I’m sure there’s a medical weight loss clinic in your area just google it or look in the yellow pages, if you have any questions/concerns contact me. You should even start a blog yourself and send me the address; I’d love to read it!

I weighed myself this morning after using the bathroom and I was down 2 lbs from yesterday morning! I realize that this early in the game it’s most likely just water weight but that still makes me happy because after all water is mass. The plan that the nutritionist/counselor put me on includes not eating after 7PM which I personally find very difficult to do since I usually sleep well after midnight. I couldn’t do that last night, by the time I finished having dinner it was 8PM, but I’m not worried about it because by the time I went to bed around 1 AM I was hungry. The physician told me that if I get hungry at night when I’m not supposed to be eating to take a fiber pill which will expand in my stomach and hold me over, but I didn’t want to waste a pill when I was about to go to bed-that bottle wasn’t cheap. I woke up around 6 AM (I’m an early riser) and I felt really bloated. I know that when you’re losing weight your body temporarily replaces the fat with water so I hope that’s the reason why I’m bloated.

Today was…..WEIRD! I ate normal breakfast but by the time lunch came I had an upset stomach and just didn’t want to eat anything, I forced myself to eat a string cheese before work and that served as my lunch. I don’t know if the upset stomach is related to the pills, there’s no way to tell. I had a small dinner; I just didn’t feel like eating. At the end of the day I consumed around 620 calories, 27 grams of fat, and 11 grams of carbs most of which came from breakfast. Just two days ago I was eating a few thousand calories a day (literally speaking I was a binge-eater)!!! However, I’m not happy with myself that I consumed so little, 600 calories is just not healthy and to be honest I’m feeling weak and sick-like and this is not the way that I want to lose weight. Besides that, the last thing I want to do is slow down my metabolism. From now on I’m really going to try to not eat under 1000 calories a day.
I’m off to bed fellow blogreaders!

July 12, 2007 First Day

Week 1 Day 1
Weight: 191
Today is the first official day on the personal journey that’ll probably be one of the most important one of my life, making over my body-FOR LIFE! I’m a 23 yr old female and as of yesterday I was 5”1 and weighed 190 pounds, the most I’ve ever been. Just typing that number down gave me the chills!!

Here’s my introductory tell you about myself blab la bla paragraph: I have has just completed a masters degree (almost completed, still have a final paper to turn in), I currently reside in my home town of Baton Rouge, LA, I’m arab, and I work part-time in a popular and over-priced retail store that doesn’t even carry my size. I’ve always wanted to go to medical school but after finishing my masters in genetics I decided MD isn’t for me and I’m hoping to be in optometry school in the fall of ’08. I spend a lot of my days applying for jobs (hoping to work at an eye clinic), researching for my masters paper, and working. Throughout the blog I’ll be talking more about my life and past but right now there’s too much to say.

So back to the body makeover! I’ve had issues with weight for as long as I can remember although I wasn’t always a fat girl, I’m sure a lot of you reading this blog can relate to that! In high school I felt like the fattest girl although I fluctuated between size 4 and 6. My weight in college was constantly up and down, during my sophomore year I went on the south beach diet with my roommate and lost around 25 pounds that got me down to a size 6, but after a tough graduate school year I can now barely fit in size 14! I’ve been on just about every diet that has a name, and I KNOW that many of you reading this can relate to that one! I usually don’t lose more than a few pounds with the exception of the south beach. The last diet I was on was the Nurtisystem, before that I’ve tried slimfast, weightwatchers, the master cleanse, grapefruit diet, scarsdale, abs diet, etc. I’ve realized the problem isn’t with the diets as much as it is with me, I mean if you stick to any of those you’re going to lose weight and learn healthy habits but I had low willpower and low confidence in my ability to succeed, like one of my friends once told me “you always sabotage yourself”. I recently went on vacation to attend my cousins wedding and I don’t think there was a family member that didn’t comment on my weight. My parents are not happy with my size, my dad gives me almost daily lectures about my health (I also have a congenital heart disorder) and my mom is just the worst, I think she thinks that if she calls me enough names I’ll get motivated to lose weight. My mom is one of those moms that’s pretty big on image, she loves to tell people about all of my academic achievements and standardized test scores but at the same time I feel that she gets embarrassed by me, I’m definitely one of the “bigger” girls in the arab-muslim community. At weddings and parties I’ve noticed that she’ll point out my size double zero sister to people she just met.

My best friend convinced to sign up with this medical weight loss center called Body Image Solutions here in Baton Rouge, that happens to be the same place she goes for laser hair removal; she’s probably one of the only people that know how much of a low I’ve reached and she just wants to see me happy. What attracted me to give that a try is the whole group support thing and the fact that you have to go in every week to meet with a counselor and once a month to meet with a physician. I went over to the clinic yesterday and attended the nutrition class which was pretty much information I already know from all the diet books I read (but it's good to hear it again), I met with a physician who prescribed an appetite suppressant, and they convinced me to purchase a few supplements that you can probably get over the counter that include a water pill, a fiber pill, energy pill, and a craving control pill. I take 4 of those daily and one of them as needed. Basically, I’m supposed to eat 1200 calories a day (300 breakfast, 400 lunch, 300 dinner, and 2-100 cal snacks) and cut out simple carbohydrates. They gave me a customized meal plan as well as a food diary that I am to be recording everything in. They also told me I really need to lose 85 pounds. I thought I was going to be paying 100 dollars a month for my 3 month membership but at the end of the day I ended up charging almost 450 dollars. Afterwards I called my friend and she told me to trust her it's going to be worth it! My mom covered most of the cost but very sternly told me that if I didn’t lose weight I owe her the money. I’ll probably be spending another 50-100 dollars a month on the supplements if I decide I want them.

So as I mentioned, today was the first official day although it really should have been yesterday except I had mcdonald’s for lunch. I took my pills in the morning and the fiber pills before meals and I have recorded in my food diary that I ate a total of 920 calories, 29 grams of fat, and 26 grams of carbohydrates and surprisingly it was easy to do. Not only did I serve myself healthy food but I just got full on small portions! My biggest struggle was probably in between the meals/snacks I got hungry but once I sat down and ate I only wanted a little bit. I went to the mall food court with a coworker and convinced her to split a salad with me, I just wanted to eat something small. I’m hesitant to say this on the first day but that stuff is working!
The reason why I decided to start a blog is that I’m hoping to create a network of cyber support especially for young females who need a body makeover. I always felt that reading others blogs/stories gave me some motivation but a lot of times I felt that I couldn’t quite relate with the middle-aged mother of 3, although if you fall in that category and you’re reading my blog I still do feel your struggle and wish you success. I don’t care what ‘diet’ you’re doing or plan you’re following but we all have a greater thing in common and I hope that reading about my experience gives you support and motivation like writing it gives me support and motivation to reach the greater goal. If you have any questions/comments I would LOVE to hear from you!