I still have diet syndrome

Things have not been going too great, my membership at the clinic expired and I decided to hold off on renewing it until I run out of supplements and the suppressant because it is on the enxpensive side.

I decided to go on that restrictive "no-no" diet which is where I totally cut out carbs for a week or 2 in order to "shock" my body and get the weight loss moving faster. So the day before I ate all kinds of bad food in anticipation of the diet. I had an oyster poboy, fries, fried mushroom, and some cake. Anyway, the next day I was fasting until sundown for religious reasons (Ashura in the Muslim calendar) and by late evening I just absolutely could not take that I wasn't allowed to eat something and told myself "hey I was fasting today I'll just start tomorrow". I ended up eating gelatto, banana bread pudding (lots of it), and some cookies. So that would be 2 bad days in a row. When the third day came around, in the morning I really wanted something sweet with my coffee especially because I was about ot start on this "diet" for 7 days so what's the big deal if I just start at lunchtime? I ended up eating a whole twix bar and some more banana bread pudding. I wasn't even enjoying this stuff to be honest, my goal was to get in as much as I could before it was not allowed as if it's supposed to satisfy any future junk food cravings I may have.

Sometime shortly after that I realized that it's this exact diet mentality that is going to be the ruin of me. I just can't do it! I've been down this road so many times I can't believe I almost fell for it again. When I go on these "diets"-yes it's true that I do lose weight , however I usually gain some weight beforehand in anticipation (like I did now) and when I get off I always immediately put back on some pounds because I have those post-splurges. Eventually my weight ALWAYS goes back up because I really didn't learn very much that I can apply to my life.

I need to go back to doing what I was doing, which is basically eating intuitively and not depriving myself of anything. I need to accept that it's going to be a SLOWWWW process but this is really the best way to acheive my physical and MENTAL well-being for the long-run. I'm learning to apply better choices into my life and I'm acquring permanent habits, which takes time.

Getting into the "mediums" and PMS

Yesterday I went shopping to search for desperately need good bras. I had little luck with that but I came across this Michael Kors top that was on clearance for $22!!!!

It looked "ok" but it was a Michael Kors (and like 80% off) so I picked up my usual large. I saw that they only had medium and small in the colors I wanted to so I decided to just try the medium and to my pleasant surprise it fit perfectly. Not only that, but the shirt was extremely flattering! It's also really practical because most of the tops that I have are fitted and I'm realizing that it's looser tops that aren't clinging on my waist line like this one actually make me feel thinner!

In other news, it seems like it's absolutely inevitable that I bloat in a balloon-like fashion starting days (maybe even a week) before my period. It's like I just can't effectiviely do anything about it. I know that it's coming so I've been taking water pills, eating veggies, and drinking lots of water. Yesterday for example I ate 2 whole cucumbers and a salad. I wasn't even thinking in terms of the weight loss or eating healthy, my main motivation was to attempt to prevent this horrible blimp-like feeling (and looking).

Nevertheless this morning I woke up bloated and by midday I had developed this perfectly spherical swollen belly. It feels HORRIBLE. I tend do slouch alot to try to mask my huge belly, sitting up straight is simply uncomfortable in this sate. I also have way less motivation to do anything, simple movement is uncomfortable and reminds me of how crappy I feel. The worst thing is I usually stay like this until halfway into my period so a week is typical.

If anyone has been able to effectively lessen the severity of the PMS bloating effect that is something other than eating lots of cucumber and salad, easing up on the carbs, drinking lots of water, and taking water pills please do share with me. I'm desperate here!

Maintained my weight!

So I got weigh-in today although it hasn't yet been a week (5 days) and was happy to see that I maintained my weight. Actually I had dropped half a pound because last time I was actually 162.5 and not really 162, so I'll fix that now. This is great news for me considering that since then I've only gone to the gym one time (I'll be on my way there in a little bit I promise) and I've gone out to eat at least 3 times + went to a wedding and henna party. I tell you people it's all in the portion-control!

Thank you all for the comments and the support I greatly appreciate them, I'm going to try to update more often.

I lost 4 lbs over the holidays! -29 lbs total!

I finally went for my weigh-in which are actually scheduled for wednesday mornings but since I've been out of town I missed the last 2 weeks. I was pleasantly surprised to see that in 2 weeks and 2 days I have actually dropped 4 pounds and I'm now at an all time low of 162 lbs since starting the weight loss!!!

This is great news for me-I mean that's losing 2 pounds a week for 2 weeks in a row which would be really great if I can consistently do that on a normal basis, and I did that all while on vacation!!! This goes to show that portion-control goes a long way because I can't even count how many different deserts I tried and how many times I went out to eat during that time. I also have been making it a priority to workout and I must have gotten about 6 good workouts in.

I must admit I'm actually nervous now about the possibility of a setback which is what usually happens to mewhen I have a good weigh-in (that's why I've been roughly the same weight for about 2 months). I mean the last couple of days I've really stepped it up in preparation for the weigh-in and right after the weigh-in I went and had breakfast with friends. I ate half of a waffle with bananas foster topping (sugar galore) and at least a serving of cheesy potatos. I mean I really needed that release after all the self-discipline so I'm not worried about this one breakfast but my fear is I didn't get it all out of my system and I'm going to be wanting more of these splurges in the coming days.

I'M IN CONTROL I'M IN CONTROL I'M IN CONTROL I'M IN CONTROL I'M IN CONTROL. I have to keep reminding myself that.

I swear after that breakfast I just have this really bad urge to go to the gym and do some extra cardio which I'll be doing in a couple of hours. Tonight I'll be going to a pre-wedding party (henna party in Arab tradition) but I know that they're not serving real food and the desert will be carrot cake which I really don't like. I know I don't lke it, so there's no need to have any just because it's being served and just because everyone else is going to be eating it. I don't like it, that's that! I just hope that I don't get there and forget that I don't like carrot cake, to be on the safe side I'll pack on my own almond crunch kashi bar or handful of almonds.

I'm officially a new size!

In other news, I have not updated my weigh-ins. I've actually been out of town on the last 2 scheduled weigh ins and yesterday when I drove to the clinic to get weighed and whatever else I do there the street was closed due to a fire so I made a U-turn and met a friend for a pizza lunch . I had 2 small slices (very small actually) and a couple of fried calamari rings (like 4 pieces)-I wasn't that hungry since I had celery sticks earlier that day. Anyway, the official weigh-in will have to wait till next wednesday unless I decide to stop by there tomorrow but that'll mess up my weigh-in shedule.

Although it was the holidays and I had my share of deserts and pastas-I'm confident the number has gone down since my last weigh in of 166. I have been conscious of my portion sizes and I've made sure to find a way to workout at least twice a week which was a hard thing to do when you're traveling with family to different destinations.

The other reason why I know it's gone down is because I went shopping on New Year's Eve and found that I can now comfortably fit in a size 10! It was expected actually because while on vacation I couldn't help but notice by size 12 jeans and dress pants were starting to droop from the back and were a little, just a little, baggy on the thighs. Actually I did buy this one pair of size 10 low-rise pants from The Limited that I can't get get to button or zip so maybe I'm not so much of a 10 yet.....

Raw Veggies and Fruits I Ate Today

1 cup of romein lettuce

1/2 of a large cucumber

2 celery stalks

Yea I could have done better than that!

Instead of being conscious of not eating "bad food" I'm finding that lately a more practical approach for me has been to just make sure I squeeze in as much "good food" (specifically raw fruits an veggies) as I can during the day. Of course I realize the importance of being conscious of your overall diet but I'm finding that focusing on eating as much of that bulky, tough, and raw fruits and veggies as I can at the end of the day it was much less mental effort and agony to eat healthy.

Simply put-there's just no room for lay's sour cream & onion potato chips in my mouth or tummy when they're too busy chewing and digesting celery. I'm not sure how long this approach will last but it's been working great the last like......2 days (and counting)!

From me to myself

Somewhere from within me rises a now-familiar presence, offering me all the certainties I have always wished another person would say to me when I was troubled. This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page:

I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it-I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need the medication, I will love you, too. There's nothing you can ever due to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship-the lending of a hand from me to myself when nobody else is around to offer solace-reminds me of something that happened to me once in New York City.....

-Eat Pray Love